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Sometimes Breathing is Hard…
I should be singing songs about being jolly (fa la la la la la la la la and stuff), how fun it must be to ride in a open sleigh with one horse pulling me and friends around (no personal experience to base this on…unless hayrides count), reindeer being mean to poor Rudolph and then all flying together to save Christmas with formerly exiled Rudolph in the lead (gotta love claymation cartoons), a snowman that comes to life with a magical hat, and so on. And I should be all into Joy to the World and Come all Ye Faithful. But honestly, I am just not there yet. We put the tree up right after Thanksgiving like always. I have watched all the Christmas “kid movies” with my kids and had a great time doing it. I have been to a few Christmas musicals and Christmas parties. All of the traditional up-to-Christmas Day things we do. And each of these, in the moment, were exactly what they were supposed to be and I am grateful.
But, I sit here five days before Christmas listening to the Jars of Clay song Work, instead of Christmas songs. I keep listening to the lines that say, “I have no fear of drowning, it’s the breathing that’s taking all this work…do you know what I mean when I say, ‘I don’t want to be alone’?” I find myself resonating with these words. In the last two weeks, I had a friend have to lose most of a leg, watched students and their extended family worry if their mom/wife/daughter/sister/friend was going to have to go through a liver transplant or just “surgery”, watched a decorated POW bury his wife/life of 57 years yesterday (she was my friend and truly loved my family…I will dance the penguin dance with my kids in memory of you, Elsie), watched my pastor and friend grieve with a very heavy heart over each of these as he walked through the pain with them (far more than me) and then have to bury his own cousin today, and then throw in a mix of my own personal, “daily life” frustrations. Stir them all together and my heart struggles to give a “Merry Christmas!” with much joy and integrity. I know many others (most others, if I think globally) have it so much worse than I do, but that is not enough right now to make me “buck up, camper.”
Instead of being drawn to the cheery Christmas songs (which are great when your heart is into them), I find myself drawn to the last lines of Away in a Manger.
Be near me, Lord Jesus,
I ask Thee to stay
Close by me forever
And love me I pray
Bless all the dear children
In Thy tender care
And take us to heaven
To live with Thee there
Our youth group sang this to my friend who died last week. It has stuck with me since. As I struggle to “breathe”, these are the words I find my heart singing. At times I have found myself envying my friend Elsie, face to face with Jesus. She has reached where I long to be. She has gone “further up and further in” (must read all the Chronicles of Narnia to understand) and I find myself wanting to run with her. But…these feelings pass because I know I am here exactly where I am supposed to be. I have been given a wife to love, cherish, hope, and grow old with. Children to love and lead into godliness. Extended family to love and encourage and care for. Students to love, minister to and with, and watch go far beyond me (too many to list). Church family to love and journey with. Friends to be there for and call upon. Places near and far to take the Gospel to. And most importantly, a God, Savior, King, Lord, Father, and Friend who through the birth of His Son became Immanuel, God with us, and now calls me to walk with Him on a journey he has already mapped out for us. These are the thoughts that make it easier to “breathe”.
Statistically, I know my life has more advantages and blessings than most of the world. But, I get lost and overwhelmed in the immensity of statistics. On the other hand, relationships, with all their joy…and pain, give my breath meaning…life. My relationship with Jesus and how it overflows into all my other relationships give purpose to my breathing. And in the end, I am not alone…I am alive.
In Philippians 1:20-26, I think Paul writes some of what I feel.
“I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. 21For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. 22If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! 23I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; 24but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. 25Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, 26so that through my being with you again your joy in Christ Jesus will overflow on account of me.”
If I could give you but one gift, like Paul, it is that your joy in Christ Jesus would overflow on account of me.
Merry Christmas…really…I mean it with all honesty and integrity. Joy to your World because Jesus came…All Ye Faithful…Come and worship…breathe…live.
One Response to “Sometimes Breathing is Hard…”
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January 9th, 2007 at 2:36 pm
Trey,
Thank you for expressing what I was feeling only you did it so beautifully. I do appreciate you so much.